The next new year is about to begin. Days away from 2015 and I loathe the slow process of this annual change. I much prefer it to just zip by while I’m sleeping without having to acknowledge that there is a true turning of the page to 2015. Why? Because it is just another point of reflection and I do much better with busy non-reflective time. Especially true when I’m not content with my place in life. I feel some days like the seat holder at the award show; do I deserve to be there? Absolutely not. I am merely serving a purpose to keep a seat filled until the ‘real’ star returns. Fortunately, or at least blindly, I think that I only have a year left of this duty then surely my place will be found and I will no longer be ‘the lost child.’ I’ve been telling myself this for years now so if a lie, please do not tell me the truth….lol.
In this new year I am not resolving anything. I choose not to look for, wish for, nor interpret any ‘life’ signs; instead, I choose to create my own ‘signs.’ I’m not sure how to explain this except to reveal that any year for which I have established a running list of ‘life goals or resolutions’ I have been hugely disappointed and I will instead just live.
I have joined a running club that I will soon attend. I will take time to tour the D.C. area I have only briefly explored. I will attend ‘open knit night’ at a local knit shop and finally learn how to finish a baby sweater I started years ago, yet have since made no progress. I will breathe more, do more yoga, drink more red wine instead of banishing it as a part of my study routine. These are not resolutions but personal ‘signs’ that I will set for myself instead of looking to the world to guide me. I will not look at the sky and assume it will be a good day due to the weather, I will, instead, make it a good day. If time permits I wish to volunteer at a local clinic where I can gain not only more healthcare experience but also a letter for my resume that will help as I begin to look for nursing jobs. I will stop feeling guilty for the past; my past and everyone else’s past and seek help to put this aside if needed. I can only be responsible for myself and that is okay. I will finish nursing school this year and regardless if that is done with honors, it will be accomplished. This is what I will seek in the new year… may you and yours be filled with health, wealth, peace and overwhelming joy.
Love your reflection and I will hope to incorporate it into my reflection on the new year, which so far is, to embrace what is before me.
Thank you Shellie, a daily battle indeed to stay focused on the present and not move to far in the future nor to revisit the past… XO
Lots of love and hugs for you. And prayers for a better year for both of us. Miss you. Will call when we return from our trip