The next new year is about to begin. Days away from 2015 and I loathe the slow process of this annual change. I much prefer it to just zip by while I’m sleeping without having to acknowledge that there is a true turning of the page to 2015. Why? Because it is just another point of reflection and I do much better with busy non-reflective time. Especially true when I’m not content with my place in life. I feel some days like the seat holder at the award show; do I deserve to be there? Absolutely not. I am merely serving a purpose to keep a seat filled until the ‘real’ star returns. Fortunately, or at least blindly, I think that I only have a year left of this duty then surely my place will be found and I will no longer be ‘the lost child.’ I’ve been telling myself this for years now so if a lie, please do not tell me the truth….lol.
In this new year I am not resolving anything. I choose not to look for, wish for, nor interpret any ‘life’ signs; instead, I choose to create my own ‘signs.’ I’m not sure how to explain this except to reveal that any year for which I have established a running list of ‘life goals or resolutions’ I have been hugely disappointed and I will instead just live.
I have joined a running club that I will soon attend. I will take time to tour the D.C. area I have only briefly explored. I will attend ‘open knit night’ at a local knit shop and finally learn how to finish a baby sweater I started years ago, yet have since made no progress. I will breathe more, do more yoga, drink more red wine instead of banishing it as a part of my study routine. These are not resolutions but personal ‘signs’ that I will set for myself instead of looking to the world to guide me. I will not look at the sky and assume it will be a good day due to the weather, I will, instead, make it a good day. If time permits I wish to volunteer at a local clinic where I can gain not only more healthcare experience but also a letter for my resume that will help as I begin to look for nursing jobs. I will stop feeling guilty for the past; my past and everyone else’s past and seek help to put this aside if needed. I can only be responsible for myself and that is okay. I will finish nursing school this year and regardless if that is done with honors, it will be accomplished. This is what I will seek in the new year… may you and yours be filled with health, wealth, peace and overwhelming joy.